I'm tired of everything now... everything. Macam semua tengah sepak terajang aku. Pelajaran, financial, putus cinta, result... macam mana aku nak hidup? Ya Allah bagi aku kekuatan. Aku tak larat nak hadap semua ni sorang sorang. I'm universal, i can cope with anybody shits, but why can't you put up with my shits? Aku cuma nak sorang yang aku boleh sayang. aku tak mintak banyak, even selama ni aku tak pernah mengadu masalah aku dekat boyfriend aku. aku cuma nak dengar suara dia je. cakap dengan aku pasal perkara perkara random.. Dengar suara pun nak banyak aku kekuatan. sekarang dia dah pergi tinggalkan aku. kecewanya Allah je tau. remuk. hancur. berderai. Dengan sape aku nak cakap lagi? Dengan parents? Dah tentu kena balik-- paling tidak pun aku risaukan hati perut dorang so buat apa aku cerita? apa point dia? Aku tak sangka apa yang dia cakap dekat aku malam tu. Selama ni, takde yang nak kat aku sebab sayang. semua ada sebab lain. Aku sedih tapi aku tahu Allah ada. lepas tu kenapa semua ni harus jadi masa aku nak midterm? tu yang aku ralat sangat. aku macam lost sangat masa jawab exam. Kalau aku cerita dekat kawan kawan pun masalah, dorang takkan faham selagi dorang takda kat tempat aku. korang faham kan?

satu lagi, aku tahu aku kasar, garang apa semua. orang tak suka. tapi aku nak buat macam mana that's just me. I've been taught to be like that. that's my surrounding. aku pun taknak sakitkan hati sapa sapa. so biar aku teruskan hidup aku sorang sorang, macam selalu.. aku saja buat orang benci aku, biarlah orang benci dulu, aku memang taknak sapa sapa dekat dengan aku as I KNOW SOONER OR LATER that person will go away from me. macam ex boyfriend aku juga. aku ni loser, i just need a right person who will bring the best in me. aku ni nampak je ganas tapi manjanya...... tuhan je tau hehehehehehehehe. jack diri sendiri ke Nina oii? hahahahahahahaha. kalau aku tak kasar, lelaki dekat lepas tu aku pun suka bila aku suka aku layan bila aku layan aku rasa "fuck kenapa aku layan?" pelikkan? aku tak layan orang tu or buat dia tak suka dekat aku sebab aku tahu ada perempuan yang lebih baik dari aku deserve dia. Tuhan tu adil. lagipun aku taknak bermusuh dengan sape sape. tapi itulah dia.  sebenarnya tahulah korang, tak semua orang perfect.. mungkin aku nampak kasar tapi manja hati tisu. perempuan lain lembut tapi belen. cane tu? aku kasar at least aku tunjuk diri aku. aku tak sembunyi apa apa, aku terima orang baik buruk dia macam mana. tapi bila jadi macamni aku rasa takde peluang dah nak bagi kat orang. Kita lahir pun atas kasih sayang. kenapa kita nak buat orang lain macam takde hati & perasaan? fikirlah kalau satu hari kita kena benda yang kita taknak, baru tahu.

aku letih nak fikir macam macam. yang still kekal dengan aku, sayang aku betul betul cuma parents and kawan kawan lama dari zaman sekolah besar sesama.... aku rindu dorang. dorang la yang aku message bila aku sedih. tapi aku tak pernah bagitau dorang just tanya khabar je, chat chat biasa. aku bagitau sini sebab diorang ni takde twitter, ada pun tapi phone hilang lepastu beli phone cikai. apa punya loser la kawan aku ni. ada yang ada phone canggih tapi selalu dekat insta and wechat je. maklumlah hotstuff.... ada yang ada boyfriend happily kat twitter hari hari aku rasa em nak starlight je dahi tu. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA sumpah rindu habes kat dorang. if only kita boleh lepak macam dulu, habeskan duit, jadi loser sesama.... kan best? :')

hmm assignment aku ni pun nak halfway habes. penat jah oiii nak siapkan. blank otak nak buat business plan ni, kadang kadang rasa palat. pasal apalah aku amik course susah nak mampos macamni. fuck.dahlah course ni mahal dengan maintainance hidup kat kl macam sial. terpaksa buat side income. sedih do hidup ceni. takde sape faham, tahu kepala sendiri je-- aku tak mengadu apa apa, nampak happy tak semestinya aku takde masalah.  hmmmm sedih oiiii nak cry an ocean rasanya. hmm  ayyyy aku emo do malam ni taktau nape, rasanya tak tertahan dah. rasa macam jatuh ditimpa tangga.... :'( :'( :'( apa apapun aku harap semua ok, followers sihat sejahtera. sorry lama tak update. takde masa free. aku tau aku best, kelakar and emotional apa semua. aku tahu, aku tahu. maseh! hahahahahah damn jack diri sendiri lagi... hm okaylah bye semua, babiii and have a good one. jangan jadi loser macam gua. Assalamualaikum.

Boyfriend.

I've loved this one guy who is really old fashioned, fierce, head-stoned, kind, loving, cute & busy man. He is 24 years old who currently working in Langkawi, Kedah. His job is sucking his time that he is no longer have time for me. I can say that I am such an understanding girlfriend, just in case I haven't told you that I did not meet him for months since in the middle September last year until present. Kinda miss him, for god sake I could cry a river now but there is nothing to cry on because it is just pointless.

Why am I loving this guy? 

There is nothing about his appearance or his sense of humor or whatnot, it is just matter of heart that attracts me to liking him, and fall in love with him, so I can say that he's so special in the other way? hehe. He is so romantic but he's not. He is so fierce but he is not. You know what I mean? His working schedule is tearing us up! Sometimes, I cannot bear with it, I've been holding this for so long, five months are a fucking long time for me. And we barely talk to each other, he is so busy that he sometimes said it's okay to be like this i mean like not contacting..... You know I cannot? 

"Sometimes I feel like giving up, don't make me give up"

"You wanna give up? sounds like you're threatening me?"

"What do you mean? Who is threatening you?"

"You. You know, I got that a lot. I'm used to it. Don't say that you're giving up on me, it sounds like you're threatening me, i don't care. If you wanna give up on me, make me feel like I've given up on you too."

He went on talking until he got on the bed, laying down without even waiting for me to speak he said he wanted go to sleep. I understand because it's already late, he has wake up early in morning tomorrow. So if I had a chance I'd be saying this--

"I don't! and i'm not trying threaten you up with this, i'm talking the truth. Don't let me feel I'm not needed. You wanted me to stay loyal to you by you doing nothing in keeping me up. I'm tired. I have feelings too. It have been 5 months we did not meet what do you think i'm feeling? it crashed me inside. I'm hurting, day by day..... I have forgotten the way you smiled at me, that feel when you hold my hands.... I don't know how to act in front of you, and all you can say that i'm threatening you? I don't. I love you, why would I threaten you up? I just want you to feel what I'm feeling.... to understand me, like how I did. This is not the kind of relationship I've been dreaming... I will follow you the way want it, but just so you know it is not from my heart, so it will filled by hatred and anger. It will stay on like until you melt it down. I don't know how you're gonna do it. You just do if you want me. Till then, Assalamualaikum.